My Bipolar Journal - Episode 136

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 136

October 19, 2007

THREE DAYS UNTIL I START FIXING MY SHIT
THIRTY-SEVEN DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

So, I picked up my medication today (which has been greatly in question). You see, I have to take this one step at a time financially, so my first step in the process to recovery is to try birth control. It's cheaper, and quite honestly, one of the best things I've ever used for bipolar. If it works again, then it's the cheapest way to go without insurance. Plus, it's not a bad thing to have around in case something should... uh... happen to come up? It may not work and I may have to find another way to get actual and true mental health care, but I'm hoping that this will fix some things at least for the moment.

It still freaks me out because no matter what it is, everything I've taken has made me so less of me. When I went off the pill I started feeling things again more truly and I love that about me. I don't love it though when feelings don't allow me to use logic. Logic has become something I can see, but not reach. I know I'm not supposed to act certain ways, but I do.

I'm afraid I'll fall out of love with the best love I've ever experienced, even as painful as it is.

I'm afraid I'll become less creative.

I'm afraid I'll become truly more reclusive.

I'm afraid I'll go back to doing something that makes me mundane and uninteresting.

I'm afraid of losing of the part of me that makes me me and not just like the Cattle of Humans.

I'm afraid I won't even notice when it happens or give two shits when it does.

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 1

1. I can't remember, but I remember I was mad and that there was really no good reason to be.

Things that made me cry today: 2

1. Waking up and realizing that once again my dreams were just that.

2. Missing Him again.