My Bipolar Journal - Episode 130

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 130

October 14, 2007

Well, I was going to journal something like this, but the letter I just wrote to a few of my friends probably says it all, so I've edited out the personal parts and decided to leave my journal entry, and letter to many of you as well, at this:

I feel like.... The little wide-eyed kid in those Africa commercials. I'm sure this is as dramatic as everything else I've been doing lately, but I wanted to write you all to let you know that I'm working on it. I haven't been able to stop being either angry or depressed or paranoid lately and I'm truly sorry that any of it may have even allowed you to be even the slightest bit annoyed. I assure, I'm much more annoyed with myself than any of you will ever care to be.

I owe you all a big apology and even with the apology, I can't promise anything immediately. After meeting with someone who will hopefully remain my friend after today I've realized that a lot of my old paranoia and anxiety have come back. I'd like to say it's controllable, but for me, it's not that easy. No matter how much any of you keep thinking or telling me it is. My brain doesn't work right. You all are well aware of this fact for a number or reasons, but it doesn't work right for all the scientific reasons either. Unfortunately, I've been so screwed up that everything in my life that has helped me become more stable has become unstable and you guys have become a part of that and I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I know some of us have been closer than others and some of us will always be that way, but even the ones that have seemed the furthest away, I want you to know that I love you so much more than I've loved anything in my life. And not just because I'd do you and I'm slutty. ;) I know my "morals" and such are far beyond most of what any of you would admit, but I love you all for so much more.

I know that you think this is cheesy and ridiculous and just another part of my insanity, and, well, it is. If you haven't heard me say this before then I will say it now.... Leaving Chris and learning how important my friends are is the 2nd most significant thing that has ever happened to me. It was a life-altering experience. It also taught me my number one rule in life... say what you mean to say, exactly the way you want to say it, exactly how you want to say it.... every.... single.... time. I live every day as if it's my last and most days I actually do expect to not make it through another one. I'll be goddamned if I go down with anyone even wondering for one small moment how I felt about them.

I want you to know that I'm going back on some meds. Well, at least I'm going to try and I want you guys to know because you are the ones that have made me realize how awful I've been and how much I need some help.

I'm hoping, but not expecting that maybe you guys can help me too. I need you to be patient with me. I know it's hard to be patient for some of you who may not feel the same obligation to me that I do to you, but all I can do is ask. There's a cycle we started where I show up, everyone ignores me or acts like they're annoyed I'm there, it makes me upset and then the next time I show up everyone is annoyed and ignores me because I got upset last time. I want to break the cycle. I've been trying, but I've realized I can't do it on my own. I know for some of you it's simple to do things on your own, but for me it isn't. So, please pretend I didn't get this cheesy on your ass, please pretend I never lost my heart in Chattanooga and that I'm the same girl who was all heart in Cookeville (yeah, the first time asswipes).

You're my heart, my family and even when I want to hate you, the reason I roll out of bed every morning and believe that the decisions I've made in my life are the right ones. It's also the reason that I'm going to lay low until November. My biggest problem is that I care too much and being around you all triggers some of the stupidest, most embarrassing attacks. By then, hopefully my meds will be kicking in and maybe give you all some time to forget how lame I am.

If you need me though, I will do my best to swallow my own selfishness and be there. I love you guys with all my heart, more than I could ever love myself and will take a bullet for any of you any day.... mostly because I'm currently suicidal. ;) For those days that I will take one... even when I'm not... I'm pouring myself a glass of wine.

All my heart,

Jenn