My Bipolar Journal - Episode 56

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 56

May 2, 2007

Don't worry, don't worry, I'm sick of myself. There's nowhere to go but up, but I'm afraid of heights.

I am so sick of not having my freedom. Just so you know (for those of you who are so intimately interested in my life that you're reading this), the douche bag that "fixed" my car did not "fix" my car and cost my family $1500+. Screw you Econo Auto Body & Paint in Chattanooga, TN. My car blew up about five to ten miles north of Chattnooga and should have never been fixed in the first place, so now it's costing us another trip to Chattanooga to clean the car out and then go find another car. It's also costing me friendships and my endless dependency on my friends. I'm just not comfortable like this. It makes me feel like I'm wearing a string bikini. Wow, what a great analogy when I really think about it. I'm uncomfortable in it, it doesn't fit right and no one else wants to see me in it. Boo!

So, I turn to the dependency of electronic machines that will blast me across the universe at the speed of light to vent and rage and say things that even I barely have the will power to give a shit about.

I've also missed over a week of work. I'll probably get to go in on Friday, but that's hardly enough to keep me on my feet, let alone comfortable. I may as well be stuffing pennies in that string bikini top rather than the dollars.

I so want to leave right now. Get away, start over, make a little miniature life, make everyone believe I'm amazing and just as they start to realize I'm crazy, come back completely rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to fix the relationships I've completely screwed up over the past few weeks. I feel like I'm on a completely other wavelength and like I'm living in a different world than anyone else. I don't understand why people don't see things as I see them or think things as I think them, but they don't.

Medication would be swell, insurance would be swell, but do I sacrifice that for my happiness? Hells no! There's another way. There is always another way. I may not be able to control or have what truly makes me happy in my life so why should I give up what I'm holding onto by a shoestring. Fuck that noise!