My Bipolar Journal - Episode 62

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 62

May 17, 2007

Confusion

It's shaming me. Why can't I leave well enough alone? Why do I actually get to fall in love for once and then get shit on. This is why people shouldn't do that. This is why being "emotionally involved" is retarded. Or I'm retarded. Either way, whether the involvement is mine or theirs, I should have never done it in the first place because I know better. I know it's not for me.

Why do I know these things, yet I still fall for the "maybe it's supposed to be a fairy tale" clause. How can things be perfect one day and fall apart the next? Nothing was ever wrong, but not it's so wrong that I'm having trouble figuring out why it was right in the first place.

How do things go from being "the worst thing you could do" to the actual "worst thing you could do". How do girls get hold of guys cocks so hard that they have to be cynical and rude and mean and inappropriate and just plain disrespectful. Sometimes I wonder why I can't be that girl, but I can't.

Boys tend to thing that somehow I'm amazing at the beginning because open relationship are what I need and them looking at other girl's is fine. Hell, I'll probably look too, but once things become comfortable, the guy always, always, always gives up on exactly what they want because they see the world in a different way because of how we are all conditioned.

I apologize to you all, but this is actually me. Crazy, horny, ready to go. I can't help myself.

Today is technically my 4th wedding anniversary (I think) and my ex insists on thinking that every compliment I give him is an insult. It's not fair that we can't at least make light of most situations now. I truly know how amazing he is when he's truly him, but somehow that's an insult to him. How do you make someone feel better that just doesn't believe you. EVER!