My Bipolar Journal - Episode 58

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 58

May 8, 2007

I think I'm finally after 30 years starting to realize that I'm a "friends come and go" kind of girl. Now, mind you, this is not by choice, it's just the way things go. There are a few exceptions to the rule of course. However, those that have remained the course aren't really people that I've consistently hung out with or ever really had some particularly invaluable bond. Some of them have the bond, but we take a lot of time apart or some of us just aren't as close as we actually are because we have some great bond, but we get along and have good times and know each other very well because of the amount of time we've spent together. The best relationships I've had as of yet have been amazingly surreal and extremely short lived. Those the much more heart-wrenching ones. Especially when I haven't done anything to break the relationship (no matter what the relationship is) up. The two relationships that I've had like this I wouldn't trade for the world, but they seemed to have ended because of a seriously, seriously, seriously crazy girl getting involved. Now I can't say that in one instance seeing as how I never met the girl, but it does make me raise up my crazy cautions. I kind of hope she's crazy. I don't know if that counts. In a sense she kind of has to be to have been able to take this particular person out of my life so definitively. What's too funny about it is that the two people I've found that are truly soul mates of mine (although not necessarily lovers) are nearly 100% exactly like me. 100% like me in that way that isn't even annoying, but absolutely refreshing. It's like learning to breathe this poisonous Human air and learn to cope in it. The real question is, why would I be allowed to find these people only to have them literally ripped out of my soul. It hasn't been like, "Oh, well, let's just take some time apart" or "Look, I need you to just stay away until I figure some things out". Although hurtful, I can handle those sorts of things. It's been more like, "Oh, Jenn, I love you, but you need to fucking get lost and never ever ever ever ever think of speaking to me again!" **kick in the stomach** **punch in the face** **shoot me in the heart** Mind you, completed unmerited and no one giving a reasonable explanation. We would have never even fought or had a disagreement up to this point. Is it one of these things maybe where they see too much of themselves in me and, heaven forbid, don't like what they see? I like to see myself as a fairly content person. I wish things didn't hurt so much, but if they didn't then nothing would ever feel amazing again. I hate crying all the time. I hate drawing that type of attention to myself (although I adore other kinds), but sometimes it's uncontrollable and God help me, in the end I like that part of myself. The part that's a bit uncontrolled, unmanaged and unpredictable. Do I wish that I feel the way I feel right now? No. It really, really sucks, but if I never felt like this would I ever know how to feel anything real? Would I be able to really relate to a friend when they feel as horrible as I do now? My freedom has totally been taken from me and it's making me more and more crazy, but I'm tempted to keep it like that for a while just so I can feel it and really fucking feel it. I know there are kids starving and people dying horrible deaths that don't deserve it, but does that mean that I can't be sad for myself? I hate it more than anything else when people tell me things can be worse because they're not me. They don't know that things can't get worse and they certainly don't know how I feel compared to a kid in Ethiopia. I don't even know that and while there are small ways we could all help with that, do I really think I'm in any condition to tell a child that everything will be okay and that things will get better? Maybe they won't. How can we presume to help others when we can't help ourselves? How can we even compare the two things? As usual, I wanted to get to one point, but have kind of come up to another one. I started out thinking, how can I stop these relationships from hurting so much when they come to an end since it seems to be inevitable, but now maybe I'm thinking, how can I make it hurt more (that is such a bad way to put it) or how can I feel this more? I mean.... since I'm already down here.....