My Bipolar Journal - Episode 161

I've said it a thousand times and only proved it today. Saying that you don't care about something and actually realizing it are truly two different things. Every single time. Being able to say you don't care at the same time that you realize it... there's no greater feeling. But wait! There's more. Being able to say it, realize it and hear the disappointment in the other person's voice, well, that's just mother fucking priceless.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 160

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 160

November 27, 2007

So, here it is almost 5:30 in the morning and I’m trying to be sleepy, but I’m not. I know I’m supposed to be sleepy, but I’m just fucking not. I’m supposed to go to bed because that’s what the masses tell me to do. They tell me that every night before the sun comes up that I will be sleepy and it will matter. That somehow it all matters to rejuvenate me. All it does is make me angry though. Honestly, even if I were sleepy, I wouldn’t want to go to bed. I managed to have a solid week of sleep like the supposed Humans do. It was ok. Still boring though. Now I’m back to either dreaming about the person I love and hate more than anyone else deserves and dreaming about zombies wanting to eat me the other part of the night. I wake up and He’s not there to protect me, but the worst part is that usually He just was and not He’s just not, which is more of a nightmare than zombies eating my flesh. So, you ask me, why am I getting angrier and angrier at you? That’s why Dickhead. Because You had the balls to convince me that whether I was dreaming about You or dreaming about zombies, none of it would matter because You would be there. Now… am I truly angry at You or am I mad that I let You convince me that it would matter if You were there or not. Either way I’m content with blaming You for it and I will be as stupid and immature and ridiculous about it as I please and name calling or what I think of it has no significance to me whatsoever. Deep inside it’s all part of me that just wants You back and hates You for making me feel that way. Or hates me. Doesn’t really matter.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 159

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 159

November 25, 2007

So I expect a lot of people think that they want to be a part of my personal page. I expect a lot of people who think that they have anything important to say. I expect a shit ton from anyone who claims to have a small even barely significant interest in any one of their friends at any moment of any point of their life. I wonder everyday how any person who has ever claimed to love can have the balls to pinpoint their friends flamboyant actions on craziness or lack of love or lack of interest in any one person. I will probably be dead long before any one person will listen to my point on this matter. I will probably be dead long before any of you regret the love I felt for any one of you. Even the one that I personally may consider the least of you. I have officially attempted everything within my power to make every last one of you understand how much you mean to me. Even those of you I barely know because who you are, the music you may or may not have wrote, the blogs you may or may not have wrote or the thoughts you may have shared mean more to me than anything even a Taco Bell chalupa may have meant to you. Imagine the way you felt drunk and alone with the cheesy goodness in your mouth and know that I've never felt even a fraction of that. I've only felt more. I've only felt ten times as much as you have ever felt with that melty, cheesy, taco goodness in your mouth because I have no idea how to feel less. I've accepted you for all your faults and all your crazies and all your insanities. I've made excuses for you because I know who you are because I've taken the time to pay attention. Most of you I get made fun of for even giving the time of day, but you're important to me. Your insanities are important to me, but you all give me five seconds to be crazy and suddenly it judges all of me and all of who I could be to anyone. I deserve more because I've given you more. I've stood up for you when literally... no... one... else... would. NO MOTHER FUCKING ONE! I've stood up for you when you don't deserve it. You know why? Cuz I mother fucking believed in you. I knew who you were even when you lied. I listened when I wasn't even sure you knew what point you were trying to make. Cuz you were important to me! No matter what though, you couldn't take the time to consider what I was going through which makes you even less deserving of my love. Yet I still loved you. I still love you! I still can't come to grips with, well, any of it. I'm so tired of giving and not getting an ounce back. In fact if I had just given a dollar to love or friendship I just got back about $200 in the negative.

Yeah. I'm probably better than you. Fuck off.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 158

The girlfriend card. What is wrong with people? Everyone wants to pull the girlfriend card when they decide that they don't want to fool around with you either because they just figured out your crazy or they're just not interested. It's just an easy way out that you think doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, right? "I have a girlfriend" means "I'm not interested, but I didn't want to tell you that I think you're fat/ugly/boring/crazy/insert other phrase here". I'm more insulted by the girlfriend card. I've messed around with a trillion guys all who have "girlfriends". I think boyfriend/girlfriend is about the lamest relationship two people can have. Well, except maybe husband/wife. It's only some sort of universal "get out of jail free" card. If you use the girlfriend card on me I'm much more likely to lose interest because you were lame enough to use the card. You drop credibility just for the simple fact that you think having a relationship makes you cooler. It's like showing off your amazing Star Wars collection to me (which actually I'd probably find pretty fucking cool).

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 157

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 157

November 16, 2007

So I know some of you think I’m insane right now, but in all fairness…. MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE!!!!!!! I think that when people warn you that they’re crazy, they don’t believe you. They think they can handle it. They think that’s it’s fine and that they’re crazy too, so it can’t be all bad. Then, they get an up close and personal view of what is viewed as and what they’ve been trained to believe is truly and with no other point, complete and undeniable insanity and then they decide that they’re in the right. I’m the one’s that crazy, right? So, what fault is it of yours… except that I mother fucking warned you and if you couldn’t mother fucking take it, you should have mother fucking tried. I’m so tired of losing friends just because you pull off crazy better than me. No, not just you… all of you.

I miss my friends. I miss them so bad that I can’t understand why what God or Universe or Fate or Devil would keep me alive. I’m sorry that my insanity made me love you so much, but it did. I MISS YOU!!!!!! I miss so many of you. I’m so tired of losing you to people who pull it off better than me. I’m tired of being honest, but there’s nothing that can stop me. Mostly because of my insanity. And I’m supposed to be sorry for it. I’m supposed to excuse myself because I’m not thin enough of pretty enough to pull it off. I don’t have the cool house to stay at anymore. I don’t have enough alcohol or enough money or enough sexy. I get left behind every single time. Worse yet, I can actually plan it. I can actually arrange how it will happen.

I miss my friends. I promise you that all the sexy and cool things and awesome places to stay and lack of alcohol that I don’t have is made up for in love. All of it is real, actual love that no one else I know gets to experience. Everyone thinks they’ve had what I had, but I know they haven’t. No one would actually give up so easily. No one would feel like it was a competition. If anyone gave a shit, they’d realize how much it all meant to me and they wouldn’t try to take it from me.

I honestly don’t know what sick and twisted force keeps me here and I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

I’m fed up.

I want my friends.

I want my friends back.

I only want my friends.

I only want my friends back.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 156

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 156

November 14, 2007

I am so mad at being angry about giving a crap about being angry about a guy that I don’t want to matter that totally does and doesn’t deserve one thought, let alone all of them. I’m so mad that I think he deserves a thought. I’m mad that he knows that I think he deserves it. I’m mad that it still matters to me. I’m mad that someone who doesn’t care two flying shits about me matters so fucking much to me. I’m mad that I know that what I had with him is beyond what anyone I know has ever and will ever have the privilege to experience and I’m mad that he’s experienced it and thinks that it’s so fucking easy to come by. I’m mad there’s no one to talk to but him because no one else has ever gone through this but him. I’m mad that he won’t talk to me about it and there’s no one else for me to talk to about it. I’m mad that my friends think I’m being ridiculous and that they think they’ve gone through anything even close to what I’ve been going through. I’m mad that no matter what I type You, You are going to roll Your eyes because You think I’m being over the top. I would like to say it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t matter what you think. I only know what I feel and what I think and that’s all that should matter. It doesn’t though because it sucks to know I’m right in this one particular matter. I wish I didn’t if it might help, but it doesn’t because everyone thinks they know what love is. They’ve convinced themselves that it’s necessary and awesome and that it’s the peace that passes all understanding. I hate myself. I hate everyone for thinking they get it. I hate myself for hating anyone for being disillusioned. I hate myself for imagining that things were real and being wrong. All the time. And so completely right at the same time. I hate you. More so, I hate myself for hating you.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 155

It Ends Tonight
by All American Rejects

Your subtleties they strangle me
I can't explain myself at all
And all the wants, and all the needs
All I don't want to need at all

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted on this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight

A falling star, at least I fall alone
I can't explain what you can't explain
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted on this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light
[It Ends Tonight lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight

It ends when darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight
Tonight, insight
When darkness turns to light it ends tonight

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 154

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 154

November 12, 2007

So I talked to someone who pissed me off a long time ago tonight. He had let me stay at his place outside Nashville. I had randomly asked him about it at a later date and that (if I recall correctly) that I would be bringing some friends. The dude had plenty of room, but had the audacity to say that his “fiancée” would probably disapprove of such a thing. I had never had any sort of sexual attraction or interaction with this guy, yet a chick would be offended by a friend of his presence. There are a lot of things I can take. People telling me I’m offensive or that I’m a bitch or that they don’t want to have anything to do with me. One thing I hate probably even more than lies is someone giving up their friends for anyone else and not being true to themselves.

Well, he wrote me tonight and I guess he went through with it or whatever, but whilst he was defending the constitution of marriage (although he said none of his friends were happy with it) I blatantly said, “Well, that’s funny because I think that’s what people say while they’re trying to convince people that they made a bad decision.” About 2 minutes later he had to watch Family Guy (although he and I hadn’t talked in a over a year). In his defense I think he knew I was pissed at him although I truly don’t think he knew why. God forbid anyone have any balls to ask.

Many of you know that I am fully aware of the love of my life and that I’m also fully aware that he is not in the habit of recently admitting he loves me. In fact, he’s gone to extensive lengths to be a complete jackass just to prove not that he doesn’t love me to me, but himself. Anyone who knows the both of us knows this as fact and not fiction, including the girl that he went to extensive lengths to say, on stage mind you, is his “wife to be” while I was there. Do I think he would have said that had I not been there? I think we all know better. Although I care for him I found I genuinely did not care (although yes I did notice) about this extensive display of what some would mistake for affection. In fact, I think it would have been interesting to poll how many times he’s said anything about her on stage until I showed up. Not interesting enough for me to actually check or pay attention though, but I do love him and therefore acknowledge his pathetic attempt of convincing himself of something that I’ve now seen is not real. Mostly because of the display and more so from the sad display of hand shaking and discussion and embarrassment of my existence knowing that she would be there.

Some advice to all people who react in this manner. Fuck off. If you are friends with someone be a man and be their friend at all costs. Because that’s what friendship is. It’s not a pick or choose of uncomfortability at someone else’s expense. It’s about what makes you happy about someone… anyone… be it friend or lover or supposed love of your life.

And just so YOU know, I would have been terribly more convinced if you had not said anything at all. Someday you may need the friendship that I’ve offered and find it’s not there anymore.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 153

A Wolf Among Lilacs
by Medicated Kisses

baby, baby, baby i cry in the night, night, night i never know why

i've been waiting for so long, been waiting for so long
for an opportunity to explain myself once and for all
examined my actions that set these spinning wheels in motion
now i present undying devotion to what i hold now in my hands

baby, baby, baby i cry in the night, night, night i never know why
you're searching for those secrets why i hide myself from you
baby, baby, baby you cry in the night, night, night you're swearing good-bye
winter comes and goes and freezes over all we know

i've been waiting for so long, been waiting for so long
just to save you from that last breath when he kept you from hanging on
keep your fingers crossed you've lost a voice now won't you sing
keep your fingers on the pulse his rythm slowly fades

CHORUS

afraid of what we know....

left behind, you were the first to find it
left it behind
you couldn't help but turn away a mask that hides a face
and the saddest eyes i have killed to save

CHORUS

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 152

It's so annoying how you can be having such a good time and all it takes is one fucking douche bag or in this case, douche fossil to ruin it all. And I feel particularly cheated since there have been so few moments that I've truly enjoyed lately. I'm not this person either. My life was so stupid perfect, so stupid set and I'm letting one person ruin it all for me. I don't want to, but it's not like one of these things where you just say, "Okay, I'm not going to let you ruin it" and it immediately ceases to bother you any longer. Especially when you get your stupid emotions involved. Wow that was the wrong tangent.

I hate how I can never have a bad day. I think I've said this before, but I hate how I can never be sad or upset or pissy or annoyed because someone has to tell how much worse their existence is. If I say I'm tired, someone else is more tired and they have a reason why that's so much better than mine. I wasn't trying to fucking compete. And just because you might be more tired, doesn't make me any less tired. I can't be broke because someone else is more broke than me. I can't be sad or have a bad moment to save my life anymore. Maybe I am more tired or broke or pissy or whatever, but you won't stop to listen why so why do I even talk?
Fuck everyone. And I was having such a good time.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 151

Don't for one moment pretend my love is conditional merely because you won't return it. That would make it in and of itself conditional. Don't pretend that you hate me in order to in order to get your point across that you don't love the same way I can love you. I never love anyone the same way anyone else does. There is no one who will ever love you the way that I do. It may not be happily ever after love, it may not be forever and a day love and it may not be die for you love, but don't presume that it isn't. Don't take it for granted only because you don't understand it. The boy that cried love always ends up with a wolf biting him in the ass.

Just be you. Don't be anyone else. It's boring and dull and I know from so much experience that is one thing you're not. In fact, my love stemmed from how YOU you truly were. Now you're not. You think she makes you feel better, but she only makes you less you. I'm glad that I know that I'm right and that it might hurt you because you are never going to get back to being who you are without the hurt. It will only be a fraction of what I still hurt, but yours will not be any less significant because of that.

I'm glad I've seen what you try too hard to pretend is love face to face and that I've seen that it cannot, will not and could never be a portion of what you and I had together. It makes the waiting both easier and harder. But at least I know it's only a matter of waiting and the only matter of the heart to concern myself with is my own.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 150

I don't need the kind of happiness
That you pretend you have
I don't need to prove anything
Or see her make you laugh

You think I'm crazy for falling for you
And no matter who's to blame
You always think I point at you

I don't want to forget
I don't want to find regret
I don't need to be ignored
To get that I'm not the one that you adore
I don't need to be a mess
You can't possibly mean any less
I'll still be here
Through every tear
I'm still happy to be insane for you

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 149

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 149

November 6, 2007

So, I distracted myself with a friend tonight. An actual friend. Not You or Your stupid band. It made me understand something which is why I have wrote four blogs before I ever thought about going to bed tonight. I started out talking to this friend not sure if I wanted to talk about my problems or be distracted. Quickly I averted myself to him and his issues. I instantly felt calm. I think the new quote on my page (from the Fifth Element if no one has noticed) really says it well, although not perfectly.

“I don’t know love. I was built to protect, not love, so there is no other use for me than this.”

The real life Jenn version, “I know love, but more than this I was built to protect by love. There is no other use for me than this. There is no other hurt greater than this.”

I will not discount the love I’ve felt and still feel for the people in my life. I will not believe that I have to love myself before I can love anyone else because I feel it. I’ve felt more completely than most people I’ve ever known and no one can suggest otherwise. The love I’ve had for myself will never compare to the feeling I have for loving real people. It will never compare to the love I’ve felt for most of the fake ones either.

A special thank you to a real person. And for once, I know it’s not You. Hang in there dear. You are truly a special person and I know that you’re lucky enough to not only have one person to say that to you. I hope one day I will have the privilege of returning the favor.

To the rest of you who are not robots and aliens and are truly People inside your Human shells, much love… may you find it… and when you do… I hope you’ll be intelligent enough to appreciate it. May you appreciate it enough to know that it’s not only in one person.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 148

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 148

November 6, 2007

And just in case you haven’t heard it lately…..

FUCK YOU HARDCORE! I HOPE YOUR BABIES ARE RETARDED!

So there you have it. Stupid, immature, took up more than I should give you to make this… and it still felt good. I hope no one else gets wind of all your lies and information that could destroy you and your career. Fuck off.

Love,

Jenn

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 147

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 147

November 5, 2007

Yes, two in one day. Nearly in the same portion of the day. I guess I’m catching up. I’m very upset though. I fear one of the best friendships and best loves I’ve ever felt has ended. I lost my pill on the floor somewhere and I’m sad. I want to say mean things, do mean things, but I can’t. Conditioning tells me I cannot. Someone’s sad, depraved version of maturity says that I can’t behave the way my heart and soul want to. I don’t want to be the bigger person. Just this once. I want to run out to recess and beat up the people who have made me feel this way and if I get detention it’s just too damned bad. I can’t agree with a world that allows people to turn down the best friendships, the best love and the best experiences they could ever have because of what we are all “supposed” to do as conditioned robots.

FREEDOM DOESN’T EXIST!

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 146

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 146

November 5, 2007

So, thinking of an old friend today I added to my thinking on my blog from yesterday. I don’t want people to be free to make their own mistakes. I want to stop them. I’d like to say, “Okay, I’ve realized it and I’ll stop now”, but maybe it’s my unused maternal instincts, but I just can’t do it. I’m not going to sit by and watch people intentionally get themselves in bad situations and not at least say something. I know that everyone is still going to do what they’re going to do, but I’ll be god damned if being a good friend is simply pretending everything is ok when it’s really not. Can’t, won’t and don’t believe I should. I can try to tone down potentially harping on the situation, but my friends keep putting me in this position of giving advice or asking questions. Problem is that I’m honest. I don’t know how to be any less. The few times I have lied it’s awkward, uncomfortable and very obvious. I don’t know how to be any less than me and if people say that they’re my friends then they should accept the honest side of me too. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not shifting blame. I recognize that this is a lot of MY problem, but I can’t fix it right now because I can’t justify it or find a better way, so for that… I’m sorry.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 145

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 145

November 5, 2007

So I hope and I don’t hope that I’ve figured out something significant. I haven’t figured out something significant. It’s something that I’ve known for a while, but kind of started to feel something about. I’m trying very, very hard to experience and stay away at the same time. This is even something I’ve said before. I just can’t decide how proud I am about it or how not proud I am. I’m mostly friends with younger “blokes”. I mostly date younger “blokes”, so here I am trying keep everyone from doing what I’ve done and not go through what I have. Even knowing that the only way for them to learn to not do it is to let them experience it themselves. What is hard for me is to let them go to do it. I like to think that I have enough love inside me to let them go, but at the same time, I have too much love to stand by and watch it. It’s such a heart-wrenching, gut-splitting scenario for me. Love to me is beyond insanity, beyond forgiveness, beyond the normal realms that everyone else limits themselves to, well, at least to the extent I’ve seen them do it. Everyone thinks they’ve met someone that has changed their lives and to some extent they’re absolutely correct, but at the same time, they’ve felt it because someone has told them that they must. None of it truly has to do with the sanctity of true love or true values or true friendship. People let me go to experience the humiliation of the experience that I had because they knew I wouldn’t listen, but at the same time, maybe if enough people had rose above it and spoke loudly enough, just maybe I wouldn’t be this person now. Someone with a failed marriage. If anyone thinks I’m proud of that because of my current values, they are sorely mistaken. I don’t think Chris is a bad person. I don’t think I would have listened if people hadn’t conditioned me to believe in this devalued version of love. Love is so much more than finding one person to spend the rest of your supposed life with. It’s only a fairy tale when you expect less from it and understand “happily ever after” doesn’t mean “forever”. I know my happily ever after. Do I want it to be forever? Of course, but I know that having it was the most happiness one should ever experience and I also know that it had nothing to do with my marriage or what I had imagined forever to be. My true happiness lies in someone who refuses to accept happiness because of an idea that someone else has told him exists. The hardest part for me is not that he won’t choose me, but that he will waste his life in pursuit of happily ever after in all the wrong places. Harder still realizing that I may have ruined any chance of him just knowing that I care enough to be there whether I ever get my happily ever after or my forever. Agape my dears. Once you truly feel it, things such as “marriage” and “forever” and “a family” and “getting your shit together” seem so insignificant. Finding out about the honesty behind “getting your shit together” is so much more freeing than that of having a degree, a Drees home, 25 kids, a dog and 2 cats seem so ridiculous. Most people don’t ever get that. Please. Just one of you…. Find it. Quit living an insignificant fantasy and find out what’s really real. Just one of you. And then maybe I can find my life was truly worth it and had some purpose in this God forsaken, conditional world of lies and misconstrued love. Love is not one person and it’s not finally “growing up” and “getting your shit together”. It’s about finding out who you truly are and sharing that love and joy. It’s only truly that when you find that one person that you can.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 144

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 144

November 4, 2007

I am so tired of everything right now. I'm afraid it's a result of my medication because I'm tired of considering everyone else before anything I want or want to do. I don't know that I like that about me. I'm exhausted from giving two shits about what someone else is going to feel as a result of what I do. I'm sick of having to consider what I'm going to do or how I'm going to react because someone else might be uncomfortable. I have obligations and goals beyond certain people and I'm tired of putting people who don't give two shits about me before those goals. I'm exhausted from not taking my own advise and thinking that my love is worth more than anything. I'm tired of giving a shit about any of it. I might change my mind in five fucking minutes, but for now... I just want what's best for me and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be that person. I'm tired of loving You and I hate myself fot it. I'm tired of knowing that You were the one and You being too god damned stupid to accept it. I'm tired of You having the most love that anyone has ever had and not appreciating it for one God damned second. I hope you fuck off. I hope you get hurt. I hope that I feel bad about saying that soon.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 143

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 143

November 2, 2007

A. It's disgusting that we have ads now that show zits and foot ailments up close. It's some of the grossest shit ever. That's the shit that should be banned from the public. Not porn. Although I'm not a huge porn fan and don't really see the point in it... 99% of it are people who take care of their skin and don't show nasty diseases off. Although... I'm sure there's some fetish out there somewhere.

B. Now I'm going to bitch about adults, so everyone who may have been offended by my child rant (God forbid)... now it's your turn. LEARN TO FUCKING DRIVE! LEARN TO BE A HUMAN AND NOT A STUPID ONE! There are too god damned many of us. Everyone is in the way and don't have much more consideration than that of a child. Quit jogging. You look like an asshole. I don't want to see you all sweaty with your mom-jogging strollers. Get out of the fucking way. Obviously, you're not moving fast enough. Everyone has nowhere to go and can't get the hell out of the way because they're trying to avoid going home to their kids or to their job that they hate. Fuck you. When crossing the street.... god damned do it. There's nothing interesting in the middle of the road except my car driving straight towards you. And surprise! You're not the only person in the world and even if you realize there are other people.... you aren't King or Queen of them and they don't have to stop and wait for you.

Today will probably be the day someone dies at my hand. I just haven't decided if it's going to be voluntary or involuntary.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 142

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 142

November 2, 2007

Yeah, so this will probably piss a lot of you off. Mostly my friends who made babies.... but you know what.... it's not my fucking fault you did it.

I'm am so fucking tired of how every fucking holiday has turned into a kids holiday. A holiday built around paganism and debauchery and probably many other things that I could care less to explore the history on has turned into candy and a bunch of fucking kids in my fucking way. I only wanted to go to UDF to get a gallon of OJ. That's all, but everyone's fucking kids were sprawling around my legs, bumping into me, caring not to even say excuse me so that they could get free fucking ice cream. Well, you know what? I want free fucking ice cream too. So, since I decided to not dress up like a fairy princess and be born in 1999 I can't have free ice cream? Why not? Cuz kids are some kind of fucking saints? Screw you. Christmas is about the birth of Christ right? No, it's about kids and Santa and reindeer and presents and crap no one needs all so we can see the smiles on their little fucking faces. Easter.... death of Christ. No, bunny rabbits and eggs and more free fucking candy. Everyone's got it wrong. It's not Hallmark that's in on this... it's god damned Hershey. Candy in pumpkins, candy in stockings, candy in baskets..... FUCK YOU!

Why doesn't every one grow a pair and stop making babies so they can live vicariously through children instead of being themselves and being childlike. As if there is some age limit on free candy and free ice cream. I'm supposed to be ok with that because children who will try to knock me down to get to it are supposed to be innocent?

I'm tired about hearing how your kid is a fucking genius because they can crawl or how they're so amazing because their well behaved or the smartest in their class or prettier and cuter than every other kid on the god damned block. You know what? I did all that shit too and more. I worked hard to get where I am, so where's my fucking free candy and ice cream? At least I could wait in line patiently, not knock people down and say please and thank you. I get it. Your kid is better than everyone else, but I know some pretty damn amazing adults too and they've accomplished everything you're fucking kid could do and more.

Am I throwing a temper tantrum? Probably, but at least I have the balls to do it. At least I don't have to push some god damned watermelon out of my vagina that sings and dances to throw a tantrum for me. I'll do it on my own, just like I did everything else.

Check yourself and slap on a mother fucking condom.