My Bipolar Journal – Episode 159
November 25, 2007
So I expect a lot of people think that they want to be a part of my personal page. I expect a lot of people who think that they have anything important to say. I expect a shit ton from anyone who claims to have a small even barely significant interest in any one of their friends at any moment of any point of their life. I wonder everyday how any person who has ever claimed to love can have the balls to pinpoint their friends flamboyant actions on craziness or lack of love or lack of interest in any one person. I will probably be dead long before any one person will listen to my point on this matter. I will probably be dead long before any of you regret the love I felt for any one of you. Even the one that I personally may consider the least of you. I have officially attempted everything within my power to make every last one of you understand how much you mean to me. Even those of you I barely know because who you are, the music you may or may not have wrote, the blogs you may or may not have wrote or the thoughts you may have shared mean more to me than anything even a Taco Bell chalupa may have meant to you. Imagine the way you felt drunk and alone with the cheesy goodness in your mouth and know that I've never felt even a fraction of that. I've only felt more. I've only felt ten times as much as you have ever felt with that melty, cheesy, taco goodness in your mouth because I have no idea how to feel less. I've accepted you for all your faults and all your crazies and all your insanities. I've made excuses for you because I know who you are because I've taken the time to pay attention. Most of you I get made fun of for even giving the time of day, but you're important to me. Your insanities are important to me, but you all give me five seconds to be crazy and suddenly it judges all of me and all of who I could be to anyone. I deserve more because I've given you more. I've stood up for you when literally... no... one... else... would. NO MOTHER FUCKING ONE! I've stood up for you when you don't deserve it. You know why? Cuz I mother fucking believed in you. I knew who you were even when you lied. I listened when I wasn't even sure you knew what point you were trying to make. Cuz you were important to me! No matter what though, you couldn't take the time to consider what I was going through which makes you even less deserving of my love. Yet I still loved you. I still love you! I still can't come to grips with, well, any of it. I'm so tired of giving and not getting an ounce back. In fact if I had just given a dollar to love or friendship I just got back about $200 in the negative.
Yeah. I'm probably better than you. Fuck off.
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