My Bipolar Journal - Episode 157

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 157

November 16, 2007

So I know some of you think I’m insane right now, but in all fairness…. MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE!!!!!!! I think that when people warn you that they’re crazy, they don’t believe you. They think they can handle it. They think that’s it’s fine and that they’re crazy too, so it can’t be all bad. Then, they get an up close and personal view of what is viewed as and what they’ve been trained to believe is truly and with no other point, complete and undeniable insanity and then they decide that they’re in the right. I’m the one’s that crazy, right? So, what fault is it of yours… except that I mother fucking warned you and if you couldn’t mother fucking take it, you should have mother fucking tried. I’m so tired of losing friends just because you pull off crazy better than me. No, not just you… all of you.

I miss my friends. I miss them so bad that I can’t understand why what God or Universe or Fate or Devil would keep me alive. I’m sorry that my insanity made me love you so much, but it did. I MISS YOU!!!!!! I miss so many of you. I’m so tired of losing you to people who pull it off better than me. I’m tired of being honest, but there’s nothing that can stop me. Mostly because of my insanity. And I’m supposed to be sorry for it. I’m supposed to excuse myself because I’m not thin enough of pretty enough to pull it off. I don’t have the cool house to stay at anymore. I don’t have enough alcohol or enough money or enough sexy. I get left behind every single time. Worse yet, I can actually plan it. I can actually arrange how it will happen.

I miss my friends. I promise you that all the sexy and cool things and awesome places to stay and lack of alcohol that I don’t have is made up for in love. All of it is real, actual love that no one else I know gets to experience. Everyone thinks they’ve had what I had, but I know they haven’t. No one would actually give up so easily. No one would feel like it was a competition. If anyone gave a shit, they’d realize how much it all meant to me and they wouldn’t try to take it from me.

I honestly don’t know what sick and twisted force keeps me here and I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

I’m fed up.

I want my friends.

I want my friends back.

I only want my friends.

I only want my friends back.