My Bipolar Journal – Episode 156
November 14, 2007
I am so mad at being angry about giving a crap about being angry about a guy that I don’t want to matter that totally does and doesn’t deserve one thought, let alone all of them. I’m so mad that I think he deserves a thought. I’m mad that he knows that I think he deserves it. I’m mad that it still matters to me. I’m mad that someone who doesn’t care two flying shits about me matters so fucking much to me. I’m mad that I know that what I had with him is beyond what anyone I know has ever and will ever have the privilege to experience and I’m mad that he’s experienced it and thinks that it’s so fucking easy to come by. I’m mad there’s no one to talk to but him because no one else has ever gone through this but him. I’m mad that he won’t talk to me about it and there’s no one else for me to talk to about it. I’m mad that my friends think I’m being ridiculous and that they think they’ve gone through anything even close to what I’ve been going through. I’m mad that no matter what I type You, You are going to roll Your eyes because You think I’m being over the top. I would like to say it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t matter what you think. I only know what I feel and what I think and that’s all that should matter. It doesn’t though because it sucks to know I’m right in this one particular matter. I wish I didn’t if it might help, but it doesn’t because everyone thinks they know what love is. They’ve convinced themselves that it’s necessary and awesome and that it’s the peace that passes all understanding. I hate myself. I hate everyone for thinking they get it. I hate myself for hating anyone for being disillusioned. I hate myself for imagining that things were real and being wrong. All the time. And so completely right at the same time. I hate you. More so, I hate myself for hating you.
No comments:
Post a Comment