My Bipolar Journal – Episode 145
November 5, 2007
So I hope and I don’t hope that I’ve figured out something significant. I haven’t figured out something significant. It’s something that I’ve known for a while, but kind of started to feel something about. I’m trying very, very hard to experience and stay away at the same time. This is even something I’ve said before. I just can’t decide how proud I am about it or how not proud I am. I’m mostly friends with younger “blokes”. I mostly date younger “blokes”, so here I am trying keep everyone from doing what I’ve done and not go through what I have. Even knowing that the only way for them to learn to not do it is to let them experience it themselves. What is hard for me is to let them go to do it. I like to think that I have enough love inside me to let them go, but at the same time, I have too much love to stand by and watch it. It’s such a heart-wrenching, gut-splitting scenario for me. Love to me is beyond insanity, beyond forgiveness, beyond the normal realms that everyone else limits themselves to, well, at least to the extent I’ve seen them do it. Everyone thinks they’ve met someone that has changed their lives and to some extent they’re absolutely correct, but at the same time, they’ve felt it because someone has told them that they must. None of it truly has to do with the sanctity of true love or true values or true friendship. People let me go to experience the humiliation of the experience that I had because they knew I wouldn’t listen, but at the same time, maybe if enough people had rose above it and spoke loudly enough, just maybe I wouldn’t be this person now. Someone with a failed marriage. If anyone thinks I’m proud of that because of my current values, they are sorely mistaken. I don’t think Chris is a bad person. I don’t think I would have listened if people hadn’t conditioned me to believe in this devalued version of love. Love is so much more than finding one person to spend the rest of your supposed life with. It’s only a fairy tale when you expect less from it and understand “happily ever after” doesn’t mean “forever”. I know my happily ever after. Do I want it to be forever? Of course, but I know that having it was the most happiness one should ever experience and I also know that it had nothing to do with my marriage or what I had imagined forever to be. My true happiness lies in someone who refuses to accept happiness because of an idea that someone else has told him exists. The hardest part for me is not that he won’t choose me, but that he will waste his life in pursuit of happily ever after in all the wrong places. Harder still realizing that I may have ruined any chance of him just knowing that I care enough to be there whether I ever get my happily ever after or my forever. Agape my dears. Once you truly feel it, things such as “marriage” and “forever” and “a family” and “getting your shit together” seem so insignificant. Finding out about the honesty behind “getting your shit together” is so much more freeing than that of having a degree, a Drees home, 25 kids, a dog and 2 cats seem so ridiculous. Most people don’t ever get that. Please. Just one of you…. Find it. Quit living an insignificant fantasy and find out what’s really real. Just one of you. And then maybe I can find my life was truly worth it and had some purpose in this God forsaken, conditional world of lies and misconstrued love. Love is not one person and it’s not finally “growing up” and “getting your shit together”. It’s about finding out who you truly are and sharing that love and joy. It’s only truly that when you find that one person that you can.
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