My Bipolar Journal - Episode 124

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 124

September 29, 2007

So, the dangers and perils of compulsive spending..... mwuhahahaha! Now is the time that I have to justify all the ridiculous amounts of money I just spent. You see, I was going to meet a friend today downtown, so I decided to leave early and pick up some movies. You see, I don't have cable, so I have to re-up every once in a while. I thought... maybe I'll spend $50 or so. Well, I got to FYE and saw that the first season of Heroes was out, so I had to get that. Then I found Edward Scissorhands for $7.99. I decided to see if I could find Pan's Labyrinth and found it on sale for $14.99, which lead me to look for Labyrinth... needless to say, I spent $96.87 on movies. Well, then I knew I shouldn't spend anymore and I still had time to kill before I met Brian, so I thought I'd buy a book to pass the time. Plus, after spending nearly $100 on movies, what was another seven or eight? Oh! My lips are chapped and here is some Burt Bee's and I haven't found these bookmarks that I use in forever! So, then I thought, well, I'll go sit in Fountain Square and walked past Auntie Anne's Pretzels. Well, how often do I get to pass an Auntie Anne's Pretzels and their lemonaide is delectible, so I stopped off for pretzel sticks and lemonaide. Now for a nice romanticized vision of me sitting on Fountain Square reading my book and waiting for Brian. I met him. It was great as usual. I made my way back to the parking garage and then remembered I needed to buy ink cartridges and Sharpies. So, now I have $7 I think, but at least I feel justified and I'm watching David Bowie rock the rock mullet.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 123

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 123

September 29, 2007

I'm so mad. I'm so mad that I can't just be mad without being labeled as immature and ridiculous. Sometimes I'm just mad and honest. So many girls have set it up so that I can't even just be mad at a boy anymore without said boy taking it as being a "girl" emotion. I'm not even allowed to feel anything without it being labeled as girlish or crazy or bipolar. It's so old and tired. I wasn't allowed to be sad about my grandpa dying once because I was supposedly crying because I wanted attention rather than being sad about him dying. Now I can't be angry at a friend because I'm being just like retarded girls. I can't actually be mad. Maybe this person has just treated me like shit and I'm not afraid to call them out on it. Maybe I call them out because I want this resolved and for once in my life I want to hear a real answer out of this person instead of lies and ridiculousness. I'll tell you who's being ridiculous. It's you, not me. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you're the crazy one, maybe you're the fucking girl.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 122

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 122

September 25, 2007

Breathe Me
Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 121

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 121

September 25, 2007

So, I'm starting to not feel as sick, but I'm still pretty sick. The thing that is destroying me is boredom. I'm not the type of person who can't work. This is how I know I'll make a really terrible old person. I have my dementia all planned out though just in case I would for some terrifying reason live that long. What's even worse is that I have plenty to do and I'm completely lacking in energy to get it done. It's like my brain is just as sick as the rest of me. I can't lay down, sit up or lounge and find a comfortable way to be. My brain can't seem to organize a thought, be content or have enough to do. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go out tomorrow. At least for a little bit. Being bored is so much worse than being sick. I've done pretty good though I must say. I've forced myself to sit here in this apartment and have only left three times... all three for more tissues, different cold medicine, popsicles or... well, my paycheck (hey, I was already out). On my final outing today though I picked up sleepy time pills. I hate sleepytime pills because they always make me feel even worse, but I haven't really slept this entire time and every time I have it's been more awful than the last time, so even though I'm feeling better, I'm taking the highest dosage known to mankind and, well, if we're all lucky and it's what God wants for me, waking up tomorrow.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 120

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 120

September 25, 2007

So, match.com says that "the perfect guy could be closer than I think". First of all, what are the odds of that being true. The chance of that one guy being within my vicinity is completely and in all other ways, inevitably impossible. Even if he were, who would want that guy? A perfect guy? You'd never be able to live up to his expectations. I want a beautifully flawed, slightly annoying guy.... or as Caleb has put it a slightly flawed, beautifully annoying guy... or annoyingly beautiful.

Knight in shining armor bullshit isn't always an actualy knight in shing armor. Sometimes it's someone with enough balls to tell you that you're being a bitch. Sometimes it's someone who wants to be kinky in bed. Sometimes it's someone who overexaggerates and tells you stories. Sometimes it's someone who is out of control. I'm so tired of this conditioning that things should be a certain way. I'm so tired of people putting things into categories.

I watched Oprah today and it was about bipolar. I thought it was pretty dead on hearing people describe what it was like to have it, but I'm so not into this whole thing of people being less than who they are exactly by medicating themselves. Now, if you're at a dangerous level that's one thing, but so many people just allow that dangerous level to happen and don't work on finding their symptoms and medicate it away. I still have anxiety attacks, but so do other people that don't have bipolar disorder. It doesn't make me weirder than anyone else. If you can't seem to control yourself ever or want the easy way out, then sure... go get your medication. It'll make you feel "just like everyone else". Sure. Yeah. Right.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 109

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 119

September 23, 2007

Self control is a strange thing. I don't know what puts me into the rut of not having as much of it. I know that it takes practice and that in order to have self control I have to force myself to do the thing my body and soul so desperately want to do.

I'm searching for answers that I can't find. I have a friend whose other friend won't leave them alone basically because that person is looking for a different answer. Like maybe if they keep asking the question, finally they'll get the answer they want. I keep asking because I want any answer. I don't need the answer I want to hear, I just need to feel that I've been answered. Accepting that this person will not answer me is harder than anything I've done in a very, very, very long time. It's making me look insane, not that I needed a lot of help in that area, but it's a real crazy. Not that kind of crazy that everyone's like, "Oh, she's so crazy", but more like, "FUCK, that bitch is out of her mind."

I wish that the people that I hold so close would just be patient, but it's hard to find truly patient friends, just like it's hard for me to be patient right now. I can't blame them, but it's harder when you need them. When you're not ready to be written off. Even when you know that it won't last and that it's not forever. Now is what matters because we all die tomorrow.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 118

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 118

September 23, 2007

Self control is a strange thing. I don't know what puts me into the rut of not having as much of it. I know that it takes practice and that in order to have self control I have to force myself to do the thing my body and soul so desperately want to do.

I'm searching for answers that I can't find. I have a friend who's other friend won't leave them alone basically because that person is looking for a different answer. Like maybe if they keep asking the question, finally they'll get the answer they want. I keep asking because I want any answer. I don't need the answer I want to hear, I just need to feel that I've been answered. Accepting that this person will not answer me is harder than anything I've done in a very, very, very long time. It's making me look insane, not that I needed a lot of help in that area, but it's a real crazy. Not that kind of crazy that everyone's like, "Oh, she's so crazy", but more like, "FUCK, that bitch is out of her mind."

I wish that the people that I hold so close would just be patient, but it's hard to find truly patient friends, just like it's hard for me to be patient right now. I can't blame them, but it's harder when you need them. When you're not ready to be written off. Even when you know that it won't last and that it's not forever. Now is what matters because we all die tomorrow.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 117

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 117

September 22, 2007

"This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." American Beauty

I'm in a rut. I big, fat rut and I hate it. I can't stop obsessing about how I don't belong in this world and how every single time I finally find it, some outside force comes in and just.... fucking... effects me. I hate it and I love it... although right now, I just fucking hate it.

I heard Reba fucking McIntyre say on Oprah the other day that she finally realized that she can't make everyone happy unless she was happy. Well, what if the thing that makes you happy is making other people happy. Then I guess you're just fucked. Right Reba?

I have been more and more offended lately at how I have spent so much time trying to make other people happy and no one can take five minutes out of their day to make me happy. I know what you're thinking... you think you can make me happy. You think that it can be any random person, but it just fucking can't. There are seriously about three people in this world that I even want to put forth the effort to make me happy. Everyone else is kind of a nuisance. I think that's one thing no one takes into account. The three people you want to try to make you happy are the three people that could care less how much you care about making them happy making everyone feel very much alone.

Other days I don't feel so alone though and it's not that big of a deal. I used to have more people around all the time. I don't want to be one of these people that needs someone around all the time. It's frustrating as shit. I don't not want to enjoy the pleasure of people's company either, but there's just no happy medium right now.

It would be one thing if I was content to feel discontent right now, but I'm not. I don't wanna be and I am and there doesn't seem to be a way out of it.

I hate it that part of my life's control is in someone else's hands. THAT'S IT! I think I just hit the nail on the head. Maybe that's the thing I've been trying to come up with for the past few weeks. I'm letting other people control my life. I have a job where I have a lot of freedom and get to do what I love to be involved with, but I still have to answer to someone at the end of the day. I'm letting a certain boy, certain boys actually control my feelings of love. I can love them and they don't need to love me back because I can just do it anyway. They can't stop me. Okay, well, that 2nd part isn't quite fashioned together, but the first part is. It's so odd how a statement so small can mean something so big.

There's still something missing, but I think I'm onto something. There's too much to think about all the time. It makes my brain hurt. I just kind of wish that there were more opportunities to jerk my brain off rather than the rest of me.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 116

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 116

September 22, 2007

Self-control is a bullshit concept.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 115

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 115

September 21, 2007

So, I'm really disappointed in myself, really confused and really annoyed. Yup, all three. It's true.

I finally realized (although I kind of already knew) how crazy I was acting towards someone. It took one of my other acquaintances being crazy for me to realize I was acting nearly exactly like her to get there, but at least I did. I just hope I can contain myself because the thing that is killing me right now is not knowing and being impatient and knowing that it bothers me to not know something that is none of my business and the fact that I'm so fucking impatient in the first place about it. It's not like me. I'm on the brink of thinking something great and figuring it out, but I can't seem to get there. There's some sort of logic barrier keeping me away from it all.

In other news, I'm also annoyed with myself because I can't seem to get anyone to listen to me when I talk. I don't mean that I "need someone to be there for me" or anything like that really. I'm just getting very tired of having the simplest conversation and being interrupted and talked over. I take careful consideration to make sure that other people get to say what they feel out, but it's like I'm not allowed at all. I barely knew what to do the other day when one of my friends stopped what he was telling me to say, "Well, I have a few minutes. Tell me what's wrong." To top it all off, he actually listened while I cried and acted like a weenie about said issue in paragraph one. I think he's maybe the only one who does listen most days anymore which is also why he is forgiven for talking over me on most occasions. When it's a give and take interruption it's one thing, but always having to feel like what your'e saying is somehow unimportant of that someone has something better to say or that they feel like they're smarter than you is just plain annoying. Sometimes I have great things to say too. I swear. If you'd fucking shut up and listen for a minute, you might know that. Sometimes what I have to say is stupid, but pay close attention, I might just say something interesting or logical or important from time to time. Difficult concept I know.

Some people wonder why I'm so forward with my blogs or why I put everything, my life, my heart and my feelings right here on the line. I've tried to explain, but I still get asked. Well, maybe this is why... you're so fucking absorbed with yourself that you can't stop and take a deep breath and just listen to anything I have to say. And if you truly think that I couldn't possibly have anything of interest to say, then why are you even talking to me in the first place. Is it because I do listen? Is it because you have nothing better to do?

"From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm interested in. " Billy Crudup as Russell Hammond, Almost Famous

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 114

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 114

September 16, 2007

Ack! I'm so confused. I kind of want to stab myself for so many reasons. I came to Knoxville and I shouldn't have. Not just because of the obvious reasons that everyone will think, but because now I feel guilty about everything. I have a friend back home that needs me. I came here selfishly and was completely selfish the whole time and now feel more selfish because I've left a friend that needs me behing. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

I've been so confused lately. I have to use tomorrow to remedy all this selfishness.

I've never needed someone before. I know it's a mistake, but you can't just stop needing someone. It's a ridiculous philosophy. I should go home now, but I'm already here and I'm tired and would get home just in time to not be able to be there for my friend anyway.

Everyone makes mistakes. I know that. It doesn't make it any easier.

I hope all parties involved will be able to forgive me.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 113

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 113

September 14, 2007

So, here I am. I made it to blog 100 **changed numbering system since**. Yippee for me. I wish I felt more like celebrating. I feel ok about the fact that the message I typed seemed to have (please know that this is lack of a better term) worked. I still see friendship at the light of the scary reality tunnel. However, the response I received, only scared me more for my friend. I'm sure he doesn't think he's worth it. I'm sure that he doesn't realize how much he affects me because there would be more happening right now if he did. I'm trying to relax, I'm trying to let things run their course, but this is where my patience dies completely. This is where I become obsessed with needing to know if things are ok and I won't be satisfied until I know that I can at least help. I want to be ashamed of that. I want to know how it looks. Obsessive, stalkerish, ridiculous. I can't seem to help myself though. I want to be able to accept that my friends hurt and that they don't need me, but I have trouble with that.

Some people say there are more important things in this world, but to me, this is the most important of all the important things. Love, agape, friendship, taking care of each other. Some people say it's not about not letting go, but knowing when to let go, but if it's true and noble, then you never can truly let go. The promise and vows I make to my friends are stronger than the promise and vows I make to myself. I'm not ashamed of that. I'm ashamed of my behavior that ties me to that vow sometimes though. I'd like to say it just makes me look crazy, but isn't that why I've wrote 100 journal entries on the subject in the first place?

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 112

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 112

September 14, 2007

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have said the things I said tonight. I always find that I question myself when I say things that could potentially be hurtful to someone. Even when they've already hurt me. I try to not let it affect me and say that they must be going through something. I confided something ridiculous to someone though because that is who that person was to me. Someone I could tell the most ridiculous thing in the world to and he would get it. Now he just ignores me.

So, I just got done going off on him and saying a lot of things that I shouldn't regret, but I do. I worry about it because I worry that someday he'll need me and think that now I'm not there. Friends fight though and that's what they do sometimes. The thing is that this person has really been a bad friend for a long time now and I've just laughed it away hoping that this phase he was going through would pass. I finally decided tonight that it wasn't fair. Why should I sit around and be hurt over and over and over and over and over again while he selfishly thinks of only himself and can't be there for me during some of the hardest things that I've ever had to go through. HE WAS THAT FRIEND! THE ONE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT HARD SHIT TO AND HE ABANDONED ME! so i decided fuck that shit. I've been very patient (ironically enough to a point that I just realized and will make shortly) and I've waited for things to pass over, but they don't and I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

So, after I wrote my message and said everything that makes me nervous... the no going back kind of stuff... I immediately wanted to take it back because of how much I love this person and don't want to lose them. I thought to myself, "What if I had just waited? What if I had stepped back and let things run their course? Maybe that would have been a better way to salvage this relationship." Then I realized that patience isn't really my strong suite and this person knows this about me. If they're still somehow a good friend, hopefully they'll realize that. I don't think he will though. I think he'll just choose to take things personally and not realize that I'm truly, truly hurt and talk things out with me. That scares the shit out of me. I always lose the most amazing people.

I know I'm crazy. I know I fight... sometimes too hard... for my friends, but if you were a true friend, wouldn't you fight? I'm merely asking for answers. I'm merely trying to understand something and it could be resolved so easily with just a few conversations, a few sentences, possibly even a few words, but this person can't stop and be a good friend long enough to make that happen. I've become someone on the "crazy" list, someone that fights so hard for something that they believe in that people can't accept it, so they push it away. I'm not trying to save the world... I'm just trying to save my friends.

I can truly remember the day that I realized I would take a bullet for my friends and that was the day I started fighting harder because if I'd give my life, why would I give up a friend without a fight.

I hope this person knows that I'm still here and that I'm still a friend in some way, shape or form. I hope that everything I'm fighting for in this world isn't in vain. I hope one day that one person will get it. That's all the fight I have left in me. And that's all the fight I have left for this particular person.

It hurts. I'm sorry I can admit that.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 111

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 111

September 12, 2007

I promise I'm amazing

When I'm not feeling hurt all the time

I don't like it when I act this way

But I can't seem to find a way to unwind

I find any excuse I can

To call and write all the time

I keep worrying and expecting

I fight and I protect what's not mine

But how do you stop a feeling

But just saying it away

And how do you fight nothing

When it's everything you've made

I know tomorrow I'll shut up and die

I'll never regret the how or the why

You can't make me stop it

Surprise, neither can I

You can't make me

You can't make me

I wish you'd answer me

Just one solid answer

Instead of trying to make feel

That I caused my own cancer

I'll hold my head up

Just as soon as I am ready

And when I find the answer

I'll keep that path steady

I might be a little needy

Some call it an issue

But all I know is that

I'm uncomfortable when I'm not with you

I know tomorrow I'll shut up and die

I'll never regret the how or the why

You can't make me stop it

Surprise, neither can I

You can't make me

You can't make me

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 110

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 110

September 11, 2007

It's weird how I want people to need me. I know it's not completely normal and I know it's totally co-dependent, but I feel like the world needs a few pathetic people sometimes. I over-worry about people I truly care about and probably only make situations worse than they probably are. That's the only part that truly makes me angry about it. I need closure on so many things that normal people don't need closure on. I feel as though it would just be easier on them if I had just driven myself off a cliff. Maybe, at least if I mattered to them, it would draw their attention away from whatever else was bothering them.

Today has just suddenly turned into one of those days. I want to keep prodding and poking at a situation that someone else brought up. I was told it was for informational purposes, but I know that can't be true. I just literally feel so itchy under my skin to poke and prod until I get the result I want. It makes me beg the question... how selfish is my love for other people?

There was actually an Oprah show that had Bill Clinton on it the other day because I guess he put a book out about giving. He said it and several other people said it that giving is the most selfish thing they've ever done because of the feeling that it gives you. Maybe I'm the same way. I just can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I suppose part of my philosophy on everything is that we should do things that make us feel good and so I suppose this is good, but sometimes I have trouble turning off that switch that says, "Okay, now it's time to sit there and wait for the result to happen or the good thing to come". Love, giving, it's things I love to do... patience... not really one of my stronger virtues.

I've worked very hard to be patient with this person for so many things already and know that this person is worth every ounce of restraint, but that if I can't show the restraint that I become less worthy in his eyes. I want to be that person I see in the end of the story, but I'm doing so many things to foul it up in the meantime.

Need more distractions. I think some of it revolves around popcorn or chocolate chip cookies.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 109

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 109

September 11, 2007

Well, I figured some things out sort of... I think. I mean, I'm still completely confused in my own head, but, hey, what fun would it be if I understood everything.

So... the moral of the story is that I realized that I was only cool to someone when they're friends thought I was cool. Now they all still think I'm cool, but not as cool as I was when they met me.

That's part of the problem of being so honest all the time. Everyone loves the honesty at first. They all find it interesting. They're drawn to it. They love the forwardness and the awkwardness. Being compulsive is one of the most amazing things someone can be, but most people can only be it for so long. I'm a constant compulsion in as I don't even know when I'm going to react to things the way I do. It's so weird that the thing people love you for is the thing that pushes you away from them, but hell, I wouldn't trade me for anyone in the world in my own mind most days. Not because I'm a complete narcissist or anything, but because I know that deep down, even when I'm confused, detached and sad that I'm satisfied with my life and I'm so happy that I get to experience that.

I recently met someone who said they were completely drawn to me because I was so forward and blunt and they proceeded to draw me in and be bluntly honest about wanting to be with me. I appreciated, but this time as soon as I heard the words leave his lips I could actually see the "future" of this. Again, not to sound all into myself, but I could see him falling for me and me not necessarily pushing him away, but maybe not returning it full force. Part of me would though because this person and I should definitely spend some... how shall we say... personal time... together. I could see the intrigue there though and I'd be a moron to pretend I didn't. I also saw where that intrigue would turn into annoyance and eventually be hurtful. Now does that mean I shouldn't spend "personal time" with him? No. Indeed not. I'm just glad that I saw it when I did. I fully intend on luring this individual with the same reason I know that I'll annoy him later and taking full advantage of the moment presented to me.

Many moments pass through my life and sometimes I intentionally make bad decisions, but know fully what I'm getting myself into. You would think that after all this time it would stop hurting so much when the time for rejection (of even the smallest sort) comes along. But then again... how could I be satisfied or happy without a little hurt and anger.

Although I don't agree with it, I'm glad that I see a bit more clearly tonight than I did this afternoon about what happened with my past/current situation at hand. It doesn't make me feel quite as lost as I was even just earlier today. Maybe more marvels will wonder me before I go to sleep tonight. Maybe I'll be left to find contentment in never knowing the real answer, but for, now... I have a little more peace. A very small piece of it.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 108

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 108

September 9, 2007

So many strange things floating through my mind. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's physical. I so wish I acted more on my instincts the other night. That way I could at least rule out physical. There was really no other way around it though. Such is life. Hopefully I'll have some physical outlets this week and when I think about it, I'm imagining I'll still feel the same, so maybe I can rule out physical anyway.

Everything feels so um... crap... well, therein lies the problem. I don't really know. Again, very detached, I suppose. When you realize an important part of who you are isn't real, it's very... um... detaching? Grrr.... I write so I can sort out my feelings, but it doesn't seem to be working. Usually I type/write better than I think, but I can't even manage to make that happen. What a sad little retard I've turned into.

One thing that does stink about having so many friends in so many places is that you can't be with them when you want to. There are literally five people that I think I could sort myself out within one of the aspects (hormonal, emotional or physical), but none of them are less than an hour away and I can't get hold of any of them except the ones that are the furthest. God. It's really quite lame.

I want to write my new novel a bit, but I'm lacking the motivation. I have a feeling I'll have a lot more after I return from my next road trip. Speaking of.... I found out that I'm going to need to save about $3-4000 in the next year or so which is very difficult for me. I'm determined to get my Airstream (or recreational vehicle of some sort) as soon as possible. I'd like to do it before I need to renew this lease, but I have a feeling I'll need one more year. Even with the worst interest rate in the world I should be able to pull off living in a moving home very, very soon. Although, I'm missing one important flaw. A job that I can be away from enough to move around in it. I'm working on that though too. I love running the bar, but it's made it a lot harder to move around and be on the road. If I don't do it though, then I don't have enough money for my RV. There is a happy medium. I already made it happen once, I can make it happen again. It's going to be so great to be able to drive out west or up to New York or Tennessee or even an hour away and not have to worry about when I need to get back home. I'll already be there.

Yeah! Okay, that all made me feel a little happy for a while. Not that I was sad. Hmmm... I'm so fucking detached.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 107

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 107

September 7, 2007

So, I'm feeling very detached. Then I find that I kind of want to feel detached, so am I causing it? It's kind of a chicken/egg question right now for me. I'm quite perplexed by it, I assure you.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 106

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 106

September 5, 2007

So, boys and girls, gather around. I have a lesson to teach.....

Sometimes people will not like it when you tell the truth.

Sometimes people will not like it when you tell them how you feel.

It's not fair because it's really how you feel and it's really the truth, although sometimes not at the same time.

It's ok. Even when they make you feel like crap for feeling what you really feel or speaking what is or what you believe to be the truth, always stand by your instincts. As long as you truly believe what you truly believe and feel truly what you feel, you can't say that you weren't exactly who you were and really... isn't that the most important thing?

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 105

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 105

September 5, 2007

So, sometimes it barely takes anything to make me smile and turn my entire night around. Tonight it was you.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 104

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 104

September 3, 2007

Wow.... I mean... wow.

What a month it has been. I've been to Nashville, Plainfield, Bainbridge, Louisville, Hazard, Columbus, Knoxville.... and don't forget the six nights a week we're now open at Dirty Jack's. It's been awesome! New friends were made and all sorts of new things... all very positive... have been going on for my bands. Paper Mache just left the midwest and had a good show last night, Pike had an excellent CD release party (that my sorry ass couldn't even attend), After Elvis has new songs recorded and up on their site, Red Dahlia has fallen in love with Bluefield, WV, Another Tragedy has played many a festival in the area, and God help poor Eva Adalai who doesn't even know how much rock she will be bringing when she finally realizes that she should work with me.

I escaped Cincinnati after the Plainfield, IN show. My friend Derek lives about 30 minutes west of the show (which is like nothing out in those sticks) and I took a mini-vacation. It was so awesome. I was out in the middle of nowhere. No one knew I was there but Derek and we did basically nothing. Sunday we did go to Old Fashioned Days and then on a hike. I haven't done anything like that... well, hell probably since the last time I hung out with Derek. He's good people. His parents, Mark and Sally fed us. My only regret was not seeing Clint who absolutely refused to come home before I had to go (long story, but funny on the inside).

I'm still torn on the love of my life thing seeing as how I was so overwhelmingly run over emotionally. That sucks because I'm still in love and still believe it was the love of my life no matter how fake it might have been to him. I kind of feel like Sandy at the end of the summer at Grease, only right after the fair when Danny dumped her sorry ass and laughed at her for being a moron.

It's all part of life though. That much I know. No matter what I decide about this entire thing I know that it's part of my life and it will make me better and make me understand my heroes so much more.

I'm nearly dissolutioned from Chris. Well.... the process is started. He doesn't think that it's very nearly, but the most expensive part of it is over. It may take up to 3 or 4 more months especially since I don't know where I'll be then. The process is started though and considering I left him almost two years ago, that's nearly done to me. He keeps telling me he's marrying someone new, which... whatever.... but I can't rush the system. It will happen when it is time. Maybe I'll die before then and he'll be able to cash in my life insurance which should make him reasonably happy. I hope he does end up happy... but if you know Chris (which most of you do)... we'll see.

Big tours are coming up and I couldn't be more happy, not just to be out and about, but to be home now and have time to prepare, to have the club and know things are going... maybe not well... but the right direction, to have the people in my life that are there and make me smile everyday. I'm happy that even when my heart is sad and things seem rough that I know once and for all that I will absolutely get through it because of the people I know, the people I've known and those of you I have yet to know.

I feel like this is an end of era of some sort because of all the great insanity that has happened, but it's also the beginning of a new one and for that I can't be more happy about any of it.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 103

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 103

September 1, 2007

Sometimes I sneeze a hundred times before I even think about it being my allergies and that I should take a pill. I can be miserable, unable to stop the sneezing with tissues stuck up my nose, arms and legs itching and it will not dawn on me, sometimes for days, that I need to take an allergy pill. I take one, and feel better for approximately 24 hours. Then a week later (sometimes more) it dawns on me that I'm at the same place I was a week ago (or more) ago and that I need to take another one.

Headaches aren't the same. If I feel the slightest sensation behind my eyes and nose or at the top of my head I immediately go for 1000 mg of Ibuprofin, no questions asked.

My back or neck hurts and it takes me two maybe three days to realize that taking some Ibuprofin might help taken in regular regiments and usually it does, then I forget about it again until my back or neck hurts again, then the two to three day cycle repeats itself.

So, I'm beginning to wonder if my emotional pain isn't slightly somehow condusive or similar to the way my physical pain is. I haven't got it all figured out yet, but I made a decision a long time ago to not take pills for being crazy or hurt or what not unless it really began to effect other people and I was acting crazy towards them in an unhealthy way for them. I always take something for physical ailments though. Whereas, I'm sure a doctor sitting on a mound of insurance and pharmaceutical commission checks would say, "If you take pills for all of your phycial ailments, why would you not take them for manic depression", I say, maybe I should not take pills for physical pain and misery anymore either. There are moments I can't sleep because I itch so bad, but then there are moments I can't sleep wondering how I'm going to pay the rent that day. There are moments where it hurts to sit down or stand up because my back hurts so bad, but there are moments where it hurts to sit down or stand up because I've lost the will to do so.

So fuck it. I don't know how easy it will be for me to break the cycle of taking pills for physical uncomfortability. I tend to rely on it for a bit longer just like I practiced and took a lot of time and emotional uncomfortability to get myself off of bipolar meds. I found ways to cope though, so I intend to find other ways to cope with this too. I'm not going to beat myself up over taking an allergy pill or ibuprofin every once in a while, but someday I'll feel it's a failure if I go for any one of those bottles ever again.

I'm not saying manic-depression is not physical. It has been scientifically proven that it is, but it is one of the few determined physical conditions that effects your emotions in an uncontrollable way. I'm not saying it's even a bad thing to have. Quite frankly, most days I feel blessed to be able to feel the world the way I do.

Wow. That was not what I was going to blog about at all.