My Bipolar Journal – Episode 108
September 9, 2007
So many strange things floating through my mind. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's emotional, maybe it's physical. I so wish I acted more on my instincts the other night. That way I could at least rule out physical. There was really no other way around it though. Such is life. Hopefully I'll have some physical outlets this week and when I think about it, I'm imagining I'll still feel the same, so maybe I can rule out physical anyway.
Everything feels so um... crap... well, therein lies the problem. I don't really know. Again, very detached, I suppose. When you realize an important part of who you are isn't real, it's very... um... detaching? Grrr.... I write so I can sort out my feelings, but it doesn't seem to be working. Usually I type/write better than I think, but I can't even manage to make that happen. What a sad little retard I've turned into.
One thing that does stink about having so many friends in so many places is that you can't be with them when you want to. There are literally five people that I think I could sort myself out within one of the aspects (hormonal, emotional or physical), but none of them are less than an hour away and I can't get hold of any of them except the ones that are the furthest. God. It's really quite lame.
I want to write my new novel a bit, but I'm lacking the motivation. I have a feeling I'll have a lot more after I return from my next road trip. Speaking of.... I found out that I'm going to need to save about $3-4000 in the next year or so which is very difficult for me. I'm determined to get my Airstream (or recreational vehicle of some sort) as soon as possible. I'd like to do it before I need to renew this lease, but I have a feeling I'll need one more year. Even with the worst interest rate in the world I should be able to pull off living in a moving home very, very soon. Although, I'm missing one important flaw. A job that I can be away from enough to move around in it. I'm working on that though too. I love running the bar, but it's made it a lot harder to move around and be on the road. If I don't do it though, then I don't have enough money for my RV. There is a happy medium. I already made it happen once, I can make it happen again. It's going to be so great to be able to drive out west or up to New York or Tennessee or even an hour away and not have to worry about when I need to get back home. I'll already be there.
Yeah! Okay, that all made me feel a little happy for a while. Not that I was sad. Hmmm... I'm so fucking detached.
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