My Bipolar Journal – Episode 115
September 21, 2007
So, I'm really disappointed in myself, really confused and really annoyed. Yup, all three. It's true.
I finally realized (although I kind of already knew) how crazy I was acting towards someone. It took one of my other acquaintances being crazy for me to realize I was acting nearly exactly like her to get there, but at least I did. I just hope I can contain myself because the thing that is killing me right now is not knowing and being impatient and knowing that it bothers me to not know something that is none of my business and the fact that I'm so fucking impatient in the first place about it. It's not like me. I'm on the brink of thinking something great and figuring it out, but I can't seem to get there. There's some sort of logic barrier keeping me away from it all.
In other news, I'm also annoyed with myself because I can't seem to get anyone to listen to me when I talk. I don't mean that I "need someone to be there for me" or anything like that really. I'm just getting very tired of having the simplest conversation and being interrupted and talked over. I take careful consideration to make sure that other people get to say what they feel out, but it's like I'm not allowed at all. I barely knew what to do the other day when one of my friends stopped what he was telling me to say, "Well, I have a few minutes. Tell me what's wrong." To top it all off, he actually listened while I cried and acted like a weenie about said issue in paragraph one. I think he's maybe the only one who does listen most days anymore which is also why he is forgiven for talking over me on most occasions. When it's a give and take interruption it's one thing, but always having to feel like what your'e saying is somehow unimportant of that someone has something better to say or that they feel like they're smarter than you is just plain annoying. Sometimes I have great things to say too. I swear. If you'd fucking shut up and listen for a minute, you might know that. Sometimes what I have to say is stupid, but pay close attention, I might just say something interesting or logical or important from time to time. Difficult concept I know.
Some people wonder why I'm so forward with my blogs or why I put everything, my life, my heart and my feelings right here on the line. I've tried to explain, but I still get asked. Well, maybe this is why... you're so fucking absorbed with yourself that you can't stop and take a deep breath and just listen to anything I have to say. And if you truly think that I couldn't possibly have anything of interest to say, then why are you even talking to me in the first place. Is it because I do listen? Is it because you have nothing better to do?
"From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm interested in. " Billy Crudup as Russell Hammond, Almost Famous
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