My Bipolar Journal – Episode 113
September 14, 2007
So, here I am. I made it to blog 100 **changed numbering system since**. Yippee for me. I wish I felt more like celebrating. I feel ok about the fact that the message I typed seemed to have (please know that this is lack of a better term) worked. I still see friendship at the light of the scary reality tunnel. However, the response I received, only scared me more for my friend. I'm sure he doesn't think he's worth it. I'm sure that he doesn't realize how much he affects me because there would be more happening right now if he did. I'm trying to relax, I'm trying to let things run their course, but this is where my patience dies completely. This is where I become obsessed with needing to know if things are ok and I won't be satisfied until I know that I can at least help. I want to be ashamed of that. I want to know how it looks. Obsessive, stalkerish, ridiculous. I can't seem to help myself though. I want to be able to accept that my friends hurt and that they don't need me, but I have trouble with that.
Some people say there are more important things in this world, but to me, this is the most important of all the important things. Love, agape, friendship, taking care of each other. Some people say it's not about not letting go, but knowing when to let go, but if it's true and noble, then you never can truly let go. The promise and vows I make to my friends are stronger than the promise and vows I make to myself. I'm not ashamed of that. I'm ashamed of my behavior that ties me to that vow sometimes though. I'd like to say it just makes me look crazy, but isn't that why I've wrote 100 journal entries on the subject in the first place?
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