My Bipolar Journal – Episode 109
September 11, 2007
Well, I figured some things out sort of... I think. I mean, I'm still completely confused in my own head, but, hey, what fun would it be if I understood everything.
So... the moral of the story is that I realized that I was only cool to someone when they're friends thought I was cool. Now they all still think I'm cool, but not as cool as I was when they met me.
That's part of the problem of being so honest all the time. Everyone loves the honesty at first. They all find it interesting. They're drawn to it. They love the forwardness and the awkwardness. Being compulsive is one of the most amazing things someone can be, but most people can only be it for so long. I'm a constant compulsion in as I don't even know when I'm going to react to things the way I do. It's so weird that the thing people love you for is the thing that pushes you away from them, but hell, I wouldn't trade me for anyone in the world in my own mind most days. Not because I'm a complete narcissist or anything, but because I know that deep down, even when I'm confused, detached and sad that I'm satisfied with my life and I'm so happy that I get to experience that.
I recently met someone who said they were completely drawn to me because I was so forward and blunt and they proceeded to draw me in and be bluntly honest about wanting to be with me. I appreciated, but this time as soon as I heard the words leave his lips I could actually see the "future" of this. Again, not to sound all into myself, but I could see him falling for me and me not necessarily pushing him away, but maybe not returning it full force. Part of me would though because this person and I should definitely spend some... how shall we say... personal time... together. I could see the intrigue there though and I'd be a moron to pretend I didn't. I also saw where that intrigue would turn into annoyance and eventually be hurtful. Now does that mean I shouldn't spend "personal time" with him? No. Indeed not. I'm just glad that I saw it when I did. I fully intend on luring this individual with the same reason I know that I'll annoy him later and taking full advantage of the moment presented to me.
Many moments pass through my life and sometimes I intentionally make bad decisions, but know fully what I'm getting myself into. You would think that after all this time it would stop hurting so much when the time for rejection (of even the smallest sort) comes along. But then again... how could I be satisfied or happy without a little hurt and anger.
Although I don't agree with it, I'm glad that I see a bit more clearly tonight than I did this afternoon about what happened with my past/current situation at hand. It doesn't make me feel quite as lost as I was even just earlier today. Maybe more marvels will wonder me before I go to sleep tonight. Maybe I'll be left to find contentment in never knowing the real answer, but for, now... I have a little more peace. A very small piece of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment