My Bipolar Journal - Episode 117

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 117

September 22, 2007

"This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." American Beauty

I'm in a rut. I big, fat rut and I hate it. I can't stop obsessing about how I don't belong in this world and how every single time I finally find it, some outside force comes in and just.... fucking... effects me. I hate it and I love it... although right now, I just fucking hate it.

I heard Reba fucking McIntyre say on Oprah the other day that she finally realized that she can't make everyone happy unless she was happy. Well, what if the thing that makes you happy is making other people happy. Then I guess you're just fucked. Right Reba?

I have been more and more offended lately at how I have spent so much time trying to make other people happy and no one can take five minutes out of their day to make me happy. I know what you're thinking... you think you can make me happy. You think that it can be any random person, but it just fucking can't. There are seriously about three people in this world that I even want to put forth the effort to make me happy. Everyone else is kind of a nuisance. I think that's one thing no one takes into account. The three people you want to try to make you happy are the three people that could care less how much you care about making them happy making everyone feel very much alone.

Other days I don't feel so alone though and it's not that big of a deal. I used to have more people around all the time. I don't want to be one of these people that needs someone around all the time. It's frustrating as shit. I don't not want to enjoy the pleasure of people's company either, but there's just no happy medium right now.

It would be one thing if I was content to feel discontent right now, but I'm not. I don't wanna be and I am and there doesn't seem to be a way out of it.

I hate it that part of my life's control is in someone else's hands. THAT'S IT! I think I just hit the nail on the head. Maybe that's the thing I've been trying to come up with for the past few weeks. I'm letting other people control my life. I have a job where I have a lot of freedom and get to do what I love to be involved with, but I still have to answer to someone at the end of the day. I'm letting a certain boy, certain boys actually control my feelings of love. I can love them and they don't need to love me back because I can just do it anyway. They can't stop me. Okay, well, that 2nd part isn't quite fashioned together, but the first part is. It's so odd how a statement so small can mean something so big.

There's still something missing, but I think I'm onto something. There's too much to think about all the time. It makes my brain hurt. I just kind of wish that there were more opportunities to jerk my brain off rather than the rest of me.