My Bipolar Journal - Episode 112

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 112

September 14, 2007

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have said the things I said tonight. I always find that I question myself when I say things that could potentially be hurtful to someone. Even when they've already hurt me. I try to not let it affect me and say that they must be going through something. I confided something ridiculous to someone though because that is who that person was to me. Someone I could tell the most ridiculous thing in the world to and he would get it. Now he just ignores me.

So, I just got done going off on him and saying a lot of things that I shouldn't regret, but I do. I worry about it because I worry that someday he'll need me and think that now I'm not there. Friends fight though and that's what they do sometimes. The thing is that this person has really been a bad friend for a long time now and I've just laughed it away hoping that this phase he was going through would pass. I finally decided tonight that it wasn't fair. Why should I sit around and be hurt over and over and over and over and over again while he selfishly thinks of only himself and can't be there for me during some of the hardest things that I've ever had to go through. HE WAS THAT FRIEND! THE ONE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT HARD SHIT TO AND HE ABANDONED ME! so i decided fuck that shit. I've been very patient (ironically enough to a point that I just realized and will make shortly) and I've waited for things to pass over, but they don't and I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

So, after I wrote my message and said everything that makes me nervous... the no going back kind of stuff... I immediately wanted to take it back because of how much I love this person and don't want to lose them. I thought to myself, "What if I had just waited? What if I had stepped back and let things run their course? Maybe that would have been a better way to salvage this relationship." Then I realized that patience isn't really my strong suite and this person knows this about me. If they're still somehow a good friend, hopefully they'll realize that. I don't think he will though. I think he'll just choose to take things personally and not realize that I'm truly, truly hurt and talk things out with me. That scares the shit out of me. I always lose the most amazing people.

I know I'm crazy. I know I fight... sometimes too hard... for my friends, but if you were a true friend, wouldn't you fight? I'm merely asking for answers. I'm merely trying to understand something and it could be resolved so easily with just a few conversations, a few sentences, possibly even a few words, but this person can't stop and be a good friend long enough to make that happen. I've become someone on the "crazy" list, someone that fights so hard for something that they believe in that people can't accept it, so they push it away. I'm not trying to save the world... I'm just trying to save my friends.

I can truly remember the day that I realized I would take a bullet for my friends and that was the day I started fighting harder because if I'd give my life, why would I give up a friend without a fight.

I hope this person knows that I'm still here and that I'm still a friend in some way, shape or form. I hope that everything I'm fighting for in this world isn't in vain. I hope one day that one person will get it. That's all the fight I have left in me. And that's all the fight I have left for this particular person.

It hurts. I'm sorry I can admit that.