My Bipolar Journal – Episode 110
September 11, 2007
It's weird how I want people to need me. I know it's not completely normal and I know it's totally co-dependent, but I feel like the world needs a few pathetic people sometimes. I over-worry about people I truly care about and probably only make situations worse than they probably are. That's the only part that truly makes me angry about it. I need closure on so many things that normal people don't need closure on. I feel as though it would just be easier on them if I had just driven myself off a cliff. Maybe, at least if I mattered to them, it would draw their attention away from whatever else was bothering them.
Today has just suddenly turned into one of those days. I want to keep prodding and poking at a situation that someone else brought up. I was told it was for informational purposes, but I know that can't be true. I just literally feel so itchy under my skin to poke and prod until I get the result I want. It makes me beg the question... how selfish is my love for other people?
There was actually an Oprah show that had Bill Clinton on it the other day because I guess he put a book out about giving. He said it and several other people said it that giving is the most selfish thing they've ever done because of the feeling that it gives you. Maybe I'm the same way. I just can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I suppose part of my philosophy on everything is that we should do things that make us feel good and so I suppose this is good, but sometimes I have trouble turning off that switch that says, "Okay, now it's time to sit there and wait for the result to happen or the good thing to come". Love, giving, it's things I love to do... patience... not really one of my stronger virtues.
I've worked very hard to be patient with this person for so many things already and know that this person is worth every ounce of restraint, but that if I can't show the restraint that I become less worthy in his eyes. I want to be that person I see in the end of the story, but I'm doing so many things to foul it up in the meantime.
Need more distractions. I think some of it revolves around popcorn or chocolate chip cookies.
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