My Bipolar Journal – Episode 119
September 23, 2007
Self control is a strange thing. I don't know what puts me into the rut of not having as much of it. I know that it takes practice and that in order to have self control I have to force myself to do the thing my body and soul so desperately want to do.
I'm searching for answers that I can't find. I have a friend whose other friend won't leave them alone basically because that person is looking for a different answer. Like maybe if they keep asking the question, finally they'll get the answer they want. I keep asking because I want any answer. I don't need the answer I want to hear, I just need to feel that I've been answered. Accepting that this person will not answer me is harder than anything I've done in a very, very, very long time. It's making me look insane, not that I needed a lot of help in that area, but it's a real crazy. Not that kind of crazy that everyone's like, "Oh, she's so crazy", but more like, "FUCK, that bitch is out of her mind."
I wish that the people that I hold so close would just be patient, but it's hard to find truly patient friends, just like it's hard for me to be patient right now. I can't blame them, but it's harder when you need them. When you're not ready to be written off. Even when you know that it won't last and that it's not forever. Now is what matters because we all die tomorrow.
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